The following is a transcript obtained from a confidential source of a Zoom meeting held 2 p.m. on July 26, 2020, hosted by Senate Majority Leader “Don Mitch” McConnell.
Don Mitch: As you know, this is our regular weekly meeting of the five families charged with writing the "Freedom to Kill Workers, Consumers, Students and Elderly Act." While I do miss getting together at our old joint, the back room of the Swamp Restaurant Supply company, today we'll have to Zoom it because I have some important news to tell you about. We finally have a bill!
First, introductions. You all know me, Don Mitch. I’m here with my underboss, Johnny “Tex” Cornyn, whose name goes on everything we do here, so figured it was important to bring him along.
I see Pauly “Corporate Felony” Rhodes, from the U.S. Chamber of Commerce.
Also, Joey “Kill Grandma” Montgomery, representing the nursing home industry.
Louie “Hydroxychloroquine” Chadwick, on behalf of Big Pharma.
And Al “Screw All Businesses” Huntington, from the property/casualty insurance industry. Looks like we are all here.
Also joining us today is Baby “Agent Orange” Bleach, who is observing for the White House. Unless there is some objection … welcome Agent Orange. Just a word of caution about what you say here. We know Rudy’s your friend but remember this is the same guy who ran the SDNY back in the 1980s when he took down our mentors with those RICO charges. Don’t know if I trust that guy. No leaks, please.
(No response)
Kill Grandma: We are all grateful to Don Mitch for calling this meeting.
Don Mitch: Thank you Kill Grandma. Also a few other thank you’s are in order. I want to thank Corporate Felony in particular for your loyalty and hard work. Your organization, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, which has been in my ear nonstop since this all started, has proven not only to be a great Consigliere but also a fabulous bagman! You’ve got some great earners in your organization. Your shakedown of politicians around the nation has been something to behold.
Corporate Felony: Thank you Don Mitch. You inspire me every day.
Don Mitch: I also want to give a particular shout-out to “Screw All Businesses.” The insurance industry has been an unsung hero in all this. Your ability to escape your responsibility for paying virus-related claims and then scaring small businesses to death by threatening never to cover them – all while hitting them with rate hikes! This has been a model for us all. A true North Star. We will follow you anywhere.
Screw All Businesses: I am honored and grateful that you have included me in this effort, Don Mitch.
Don Mitch: So let’s get down to it. As I mentioned, we have a bill. Now I’m not going to read all 65 pages of it. Gotta be nuts to do that. But rest assured, it’s got all of our top priorities so let’s review:
Most importantly, we have a bill that allows you to get away with murder, which I know is an important goal for all of you. Let me explain.
First, you don’t have to comply with any real safety standards to get immunity under this bill. You get immunity for following the weakest possible standards or guidance that you can find at any level– even if the standards say you don’t have to do anything. Plus here’s the really great part: you get immunity just for saying you “tried” to comply with it instead of actually making a workplace safe. On top of that, the only cases that can go forward are cases involving things like “gross negligence,” which we have defined to basically resemble second degree murder. Who’s gonna be able to prove that? After all, you're the experts at covering your tracks when someone’s whacked. You’ll be fine.
Second, even on the off-chance that some sick and dying worker, consumer, student or elderly patient actually does bring a case, they will face evidentiary burdens that are basically insurmountable. Just to file a case, they will need to allege information with such specificity that we are pretty sure no claim will ever be filed.
Third, even if they go through all of that and win a case, they’ll get almost nothing. Non-economic damages are not just capped (like we’ve always wanted) – their completely gone! We’ve eliminated them. After that, whatever they get is cut even further by things like health insurance.
Fourth, all state liability laws that have blocked your ability to move forward with your dangerous and unsafe plans are wiped out And we’ve forced all these cases into federal court where, of course, they have absolutely no business being, and which we’ve been packing with our own judges!
Now, we are going to have to change the name from our working title, the "Freedom to Kill Workers, Consumers, Students and Elderly Act." Let’s do something both amusing and confusing. How about the ‘‘SAFE TO WORK Act?" We'll come up with some mumbo jumbo to fit the acronym. Any objections? Hearing none, the ‘‘SAFE TO WORK Act" it is!
Agent Orange: Don Mitch, I just want to make sure that all the lawsuits brought by my Boss, Don Don, aren’t harmed by this bill, and that he can still sue the pants off anyone he doesn’t like. He has a lot of those goin’.
Don Mitch: No worries. He’s completely protected, as always.
Hydroxychloroquine: I don’t know. The Democrats in Congress have called this - and actually all of your ideas – a non-starter. Is it really?
Don Mitch: Well I don’t know who they think they are. But we’re going to the mattresses on this boys. Finally we have gotten our chance to take complete control of the civil justice system. I want to thank whoever’s responsible for this pandemic. Take that message to your boss, Agent Orange. We could not be more grateful.
And remember, if we are ever pinched for what we did here, just lie. Tex, can you be sure to delete this recording before anyone tweets about it.
Tex: Oooh. I think we might be too late.
End of recording.
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